The Battle

Addiction sucks.

 

It’s that simple…

Well, at least the big picture is that simple. It gets more complicated when you’re close to it. When it comes to your relationship with the addict it gets more complicated. It can be hard to separate the person from the disease. How much of the lies and the constant insults are truly meant?

My dad is in the hospital currently. As soon as I heard I got a flight and flew up to see him. I’ve been in the state for a week and yet have only been able to get myself to the hospital twice. It is so hard to see him in such a horrid state. He’s in the ICU. Yet in an ironic way he looks healthier than he has in years. He is decently hydrated and oxygenated for the first time in years. His skin actually has color. But for the first several days he was intubated, although he is now finally waking up.

But him being awake almost makes it harder to see him. No, it definitely makes it harder. He’s been in the hospital for 11 days. That’s 11 days away from alcohol. Which means that he is with drawing. So he is irritable. He even punched a nurse. SO he is restrained. With good reason, however it is hard to see him tied down.

It is hard to decide whether I need to be here near him, or if I should go home. I am missing class. College class, so I as missing a lot of work. I’m falling farther and farther behind. And I hate seeing him. He has hurt me (emotionally) several times. However, is it him or the disease?? STUPID ADDICTION!

 

TV Workouts

So here’s a new thing I may do. I’ve only done it once so far and it kicked my butt, so who knows how long the motivation will last. But he’s a way to make TV a little better for you. I recommend at the end of the show you go through and do any part of the exercise you haven’t gotten to during the show.

This includes post includes three shows that I’m currently watching live. Depending on how well I keep up with this I may add more. Possibly for “Lucifer” or “The Mindy Project.” Let me know what you think in the comments below.

Also shout out to my brothers girlfriend for the idea and the majority of the “This is Us” workout.

“The Good Doctor” Workout

Dr. Melendez is an ass to Shaun

• 15 leg lifts

Claire is compassionate

• 20 squats

Young Shaun flashback

• 60 second plank

“On your feet thinking” aka MacGyver moment

• 30 high knees

Lea and Shaun flirt

• 20 leg lifts

Shaun doesn’t catch sarcasm

• 10 lunges (each side)

Shaun is especially blunt or upfront

• 20 sit ups

Administration disagreement

• 15 mountain climbers

Dr. Glassman has a mentor moment

• 30 second side plank (each side)

Commercial break

• 25 jumping jack

 

 

“This is Us” Workout

Kate weighs herself

• 15 leg lifts

Kevin pops pills

• 20 squats

Jack drinks

• 60 second plank

Beth & Randall disagree

• 30 high knees

Rebecca or Kate sing

• 60 second wall squat

Toby is jealous

• 20 leg lifts

Deja lashes out

• 10 lunges (each side)

Little Kate weight reference

• 20 sit ups

Kevin takes off his shirt

• 15 mountain climbers

Randall is anxious

• 30 second side plank (each side)

Commercial break

• 25 jumping jacks

 

 

“Grey’s Anatomy” Workout

Dr. Bailey is a boss!

• 15 leg lifts

Viewing of x-ray/ scan

• 20 squats

Meredith voice over

• 60 second plank

Code/ patient crashing

• 30 high knees

McSomething reference

• 60 second wall squat

Elevator ride

• 20 leg lifts

Someone drinks

• 10 lunges (each side)

Crying

• 20 sit ups

Patient is “closed up”

• 15 mountain climbers

Romance (from kissing to sex)

• 30 second side plank (each side)

Commercial break

• 25 jumping jack

Throwback

This is a post I wrote around a year ago for my high school blog. I was looking back on it and want to share…

Anxiety. It is one word. One tiny little seven letter word. But somehow, it manages to take complete control over me. Anxiety is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease. For me it is a lot more complicated. It’s also not typically something that is easy for me to open up about, as it has such a large stigma attached to it. Which makes it so much harder to live with.

Anxiety has always been a part of my life. In fact, when I was born I was in the NICU for 16 days. Although the first day it was because of my health, my stay was prolonged because anytime another baby around me had a problem or their alarm went off, I would react. As illogical as it may seem, anxiety can be more than simply a feeling of fear. For many people, they have very real physical reactions. For me my reaction can be just a feeling of sadness or misplacement, but many times it is accompanies by physical reaction. My heartrate spikes, and I sometime have difficulty breathing. In addition to those lovely responses food becomes my enemy. Even the mention of eating and I will turn so pale, you may as well call me Casper.

As a senior in high school, there are so many things that are can be exciting. It is an adventure into your future. For the first time, you have complete control in what you want to do. The decisions you make are all yours. Although many days, these are simply exciting for me, sometimes

along the way my anxiety kicks in.

Being a 17-year-old, crying in class is one of the most embarrassing things. So of course, on Friday, my anxiety decided to strike right as I was about to walk into school. A nervous thought about my family and my future popped into my head, and unlike someone without anxiety, it was hard for me to just redirect my attention.

One of the hardest parts about anxiety for me is that it seems although you have two completely different thought processes. On one hand I can see that it is irrational for me to become so upset and scared that I literally cannot stop crying as I’m sitting in class. But on the other hand, there is some part of me that completely registers this thought as a fear, as something so real that it needs my full focus.

It may seem like I just completely embarrassed myself, crying at school in the first place, and sharing this now. But this is why. Having these thoughts are hard enough, never mind having to simultaneously freak out about what people are thinking about you or what they would say if they found out that you have anxiety and unfortunately this is a pretty common part of your life. The stigma around mental health is so detrimental, and the only way to overcome it is by speaking up. I have an anxiety disorder, but it doesn’t define me. It allows me to see how many people in my life truly care, and support me.

Standing Together

Today was the “Out of Darkness” community walk in Richmond Virginia. It’s organized by the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention. It was an amazing community gathering, that showed how many people truly care and are there to support those struggling with mental illness.

Although I was in the back of the crowd and couldn’t hear a majority of the speeches, what I could hear was powerful. People shared their own stories of struggle and loss, and offered hope to all those around them.

Everyone proudly wore beads that represented their own connection to AFSP, whether they had lost a loved one, friend, or struggled themselves. It was an environment where no one was afraid of judgement and could openly speak to anyone around them for support.

I was inspired by the walk today. Our team, however small we may have been, raised over $2000 for the cause. So many of my own friends in family happily donated.

The AFSP is an amazing organization, that is inspiring change, and a start in conversation to stop the stigma.

Disappointment

I’ve known for a while now that living in a dorm wasn’t working for me. Campus life just definitely wasn’t my style.

I’m not one for parties, or even study groups really. I’m more of a lone wolf. I like to study in quiet, and alone time is important to me.

Being in a dorm, there are people around constantly. There is always noise, and you can never get your room dark.

For me personally, I was place in the honors college dorms even though I wasn’t in the honors college. This made me feel like an outcast. Everyone in my dorm had classes together, and had group outings as the honors college group. Then there was me, who had a completely different schedule and very little in common with any of them.

This makes living in the dorms even harder for me. I never felt welcomed. I never had a moment free of anxiety.

So on Monday, I went to the office of student accessibility. I have accommodations through this office, listing my anxiety and depression. They allow me to leave class if I feel panicked and other small adjustments like that. I was told that by going through their office I would have the best chance of getting out of my lease.

Only a day later, I received an email saying my request was denied.

So I feel trapped. I feel disappointed.

Drama

So, the other day a girl I knew from high school posted on insta. It was a photo from my junior year, with five of us that used to be friends. She’s only friends with one of the girls in the photo now, and shocker it’s not me.

She captioned it, “before people became fake bitches……… in a weird mood. thanks for all the friends that stayed true #staygold”

I’m writing because it was a moment where I realized how much I’ve grown. I looked at the photo and I wasn’t mad. I was disappointed that the friendship didn’t work, but not really that upset.

I DIDN’T LET THE DRAMA GET TO ME!

A year ago a post like that would have killed me. I would have thought about it for hours, days, probably even weeks. I would have constantly gone over ever aspect of our friendship and tried to figure out what I did wrong, where I went wrong. I would have found a way to blame myself, to make myself feel guilty.

But I didn’t. I acknowledged that I have moved on. Our friendship wasn’t working for me, so I separated myself. I wasn’t rude, I just separated myself.

So in this moment I’m proud of myself. And I’m writing a small post, acknowledging my tiny personal victory.